i have written you thousands of letters through the years. i have written you about my day in detail, about the persons i admire, get crushes on, and hate, about feelings and emotions and dreams i can only confide to you because i am afraid of telling anyone else. i am afraid of rejection and of other people getting disappointed in me. but not you. you have always been so faithful and supportive of my aspirations that it pains me now to realize i have only been writing nasty, little letters to you recently. i have been telling you, rather harshly, to improve yourself. i have been berating you for every mistake you've done, belittled you for your imperfections, and castigated you for not achieving what others expect of you.
i am sorry.
i should not have been too hard on you because of the millions of people in this world you are the only one who has always been there no matter where i have gone in life. so, tonight, let me apologize by writing you a love letter instead.
my dear ishi, talent cannot be measured by how many tickets you've sold nor stage productions you've performed. it is not in the price of the art you've made nor in its technique or perfection. it is not even in the number of people you have entertained. you can sing, you can paint, you can dance, you can write, you are deft with your hands and quick with the rhythm, you are athletic, you learn fast - that is talent written all over. do not think you are mediocre, that you are only just, because your interests are spread out. do not measure your talent by how much you've made other people happy but rather in how much you have enjoyed yourself, and if others appreciate it, then all the better.
you are intelligent. you graduated magna cum laude, remember? you aced all the interviews and got into the engineering program of one of the top universities in the world. UP is not even on that list. how much cooler can you get? why do you not remind yourself that enough? you must be humble, yes, but you also have the right to be proud of everything you've achieved. you studied physics, worked as a software engineer, and now you're doing photonics, electronics, and a load of engineering and technology. who says you're not good enough? do not, even for a second, think you are less passionate than anyone else just because you don't talk about your interests often. in retrospect you see it is always easier to talk about certain topics, engineering most of all, to people who want to listen. do not think you are any bit unworthy because you failed a few times.
you are brave. i know, you do not even understand how it could be bravery when you're only doing the things you would normally do. what's so brave about working away from home and living by yourself? why do people tell you you're brave for getting on a flight and settling into a new place on your own? people do that all the time, right? i've given it much thought and i've come to the conclusion that maybe it's not the act of packing your things and moving away that they find brave. rather, it is the implicit understanding that by doing so you are crossing your comfort zone. and yes, moving out of one's comfort zone is one of the bravest things anyone could do. so ishi, you were brave for breaking stereotypes, for changing specializations, for making it on your own. and if that wasn't brave enough, you changed specializations once again, flew halfway round the world and lived in complete isolation from everyone you ever knew before, in a country with completely different customs and languages. hey, look at you, you're still here! you pack your own things and travel by yourself. you lose yourself in unfamiliar places and always manage to find your way back. you converse with complete strangers. you ask questions. you stand up for your own ideas. that is very brave of you. remember that lady who told you "you're very brave, coming to belgium all by yourself to study" and you replied, "it wasn't bravery..i probably just did not know any better." well, perhaps she's right, that makes you even braver then, making the leap even when you didn't know any better.
stop thinking you're not good enough because you haven't proven anything to anyone. why is it that you do not see how much you've done already? everyone falls down at some point so stop carrying the burden of your failures on your shoulders. stop waiting for other people to recognize you're good enough. i can tell you now, you are much, much more than enough.
i admire your strength, ish. do not compare your problems with anyone else. just because you worry about your courses and the next report you have to make right now rather than worrying about world hunger does not make you any less human nor in-compassionate. do not belittle yourself because the persons you admire are worrying about things like the economy and the market and the next big break in fundamental research. each has their own set of challenges, do not compare yours with theirs. and just because you do not desire a phd does not make you less ambitious nor less intelligent than the next person.
i hope you drop the "crazy-making expectation that (women) must all be perfect friends and perfect mothers, and perfect workers and perfect lovers with perfect bodies who dedicate ourselves to charity and grow our own organic vegetables, at the same time that we run corporations and stand on our heads while playing the guitar with our feet."
you're amazing, ish. i hope you know that and that i love you with all my heart.
love,
ishi
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