daily pottery

paul: oooh (reading the shop's specialties) bikes, fashion, art..
ishi: awesome, what do they not do? they even have "daily poetry".
paul: i can do that. it's actually quite easy.
ishi: (..haba ng hair ni kuya..) okaaay. i look forward to you making one for me then.
paul: i mean, you would only need a bit of space..
ishi: (uh, sure? for concentration, maybe?)
paul: ..and a place to bake it..
ishi: what? bake poetry?
paul: oh "poetry"? i thought you said "pottery".

:P

::

ieee photonics society

while registering for membership:

paul: are you sure you're not going to take the DVD collection, love, then we can watch it together? :P
ishi: you mean like a romantic movie night with candles and chocolates, watching photonics? :P
paul: exactly! rawr, resonance! :P

::

my complement

i'm still amazed at how we, two people who grew up on the opposite side of the world, be both so similar and so complementary. like..

..how we both like music,
  ..how he tunes the instruments, and i play.
  ..how he plays, and i sing.
  ..how he loves classics, and i listen to pop.
  ..how he plays music from vinyl, while i tick songs on my mp3.

..how we love to read,
  ..how he reads non-fiction, and i, fiction.

..how we are both deft with the hands,

  ..how he can make the bookshelves, and i can fill it with books.
  ..how he can make the easel, and i can paint.

..how we enjoy travels,
  ..how he trusts printed maps, and i live with google maps.
  ..he has this epic way of getting lost in strange places, and how i always get myself in the way of cyclists

..how he drinks tea, and i drink coffee.

space research

valentines 2016

early valentines

my new definition of a #mikadoafternoon would now be paul on his oversized grandfather's chair, sipping tea and reading essays and aphorisms by shopenhauer, with me on the harp, learning the thornbirds theme - all these after ice cream, an overflowing amount of hugs and kisses, and a long siesta on the couch..in winter. and that warm feeling you get after paul whispers okay, now i'm officially in love with you ^^

::

chandeleur

classy, mr. tiebot..very classy <3

crepes. savory. sweet. candles. sparkling wine. wine glasses. roses. lille waffles. vinyl. the beatles. the platters. chopin. beethoven. tea. hugs. kisses. couch cuddles <3. 020216.

::

roses

prayer is impressive. saying that prayer during the adoration is more impressive owing to the fact that God seems to answer them right afterwards. the first time i "bargained" with God, i am not extremely proud of this, was during that time i couldn't finalize my schedule because of the trouble with the internship contract. it stressed me out so much i told God i would commit to the international choir if he would fix things for me because i have already done everything i can. right afterwards He "cornered" me into committing to the choir practice and the following day He fixed everything and i was finally able to finalize my schedule. i have committed myself to the choir ever since and i do try my best to be faithful to the commitment. the awesome thing is, on days when i seem to slack out, paul unknowingly drags me back on the right trail.

this is where paul comes into today's story. 

for all intents and purposes, i believe it's safe to say paul likes me to some extent. during tonight's coffee date he gave me three roses, so yes he DOES like me. do i like paul? well, he is amazing. i tried not to check him against my checklist just yet but i couldn't help but peek earlier today and he actually checks out! i have been praying for a lot of other things before - my courses, my exams, my family, etc - and, after all he has done for me the past few weeks, i guess it's just high time i really have to pray for both of us.

so i did.

tonight i prayed for positive results on my phd applications. i also asked God to guide us both, to let our love grow with his blessing or to remove these feelings if it is not right. this amazing thing happened after the adoration, while we were all socializing with each other, a woman came up to us and asked, 

"are those the first flowers he has given you?"

"yes, it actually is.."

"ahh, the holy spirit must be with him"

i was not quite sure how to react to that but, somehow, i feel like God is trying to tell me something. all the same, i do pray that God will continue to guide this relationship. i trust God knows best.

::

bye 2015

2015 is a year i never hope to live again, and the most accurate way to describe it is that 2015 is a lesson in failure. failure is an annoying phenomenon. you think you've chosen your battles wisely enough and then one bright, sunny afternoon it just gracelessly sweeps you off your feet and slams you hard, face down on the ground, and before you can even grieve you have to find your feet and redo your life plan in a jiffy. it's not a particularly easy thing to do especially if one is carelessly confident and does not have a back-up plan for failure. i can only be grateful to the people who has allowed me time to bawl my heart out when the rest of the world expected me to be strong and smile and move on.

but to end the year on a good note, the odd years have generally worked in my favor before and despite everything, 2015 was still jam-packed with good experiences: the thesis, working in the clean room, presenting at an IYL forum, working on SOI technology, corresponding with (THE one and only) imec, meeting people professionally, spending an afternoon at the bell labs, seeing my sister twice, seeing the pope, travelling to four different countries, joining the choir, being waltzed properly, and learning the harp..and also being told i'd make a good wife (obviously by somebody oblivious of the fact that i hate cooking bwahahaha).

and so, in spite of it all, it was still a good year and i would like to thank again everyone who made it to the acknowledgement page of my master's thesis, my professors, old friends who have kept in touch, new friends who have been very welcoming, and the lady from the lego store who secretly gave me a c3po despite my total purchase not reaching 30eu haha. but, seriously, thank you. i have never been so eager to get out of a year as i am for this one and i hope 2016 brings better experiences to us all.

happy new year :)

::

#happykindofdizzy

every girl should have the chance to be waltzed properly at least once in her life ^^

::

tbd

reinventing beauty pageants

i was talking with my brother who just spent a part of his afternoon diving through my old records looking for my physics notes and he uncovered one of documents i have meticulously put away from my time as a KASAMA under-secretary. the KASAMA, kataas-taasang samahan ng mga mag-aaral, is the highest governing student body of the university. in turn, the university presidents vote among themselves who would be the student representative in the university system's board of directors, with the same voting power as the president of the philippines. but my story is not about KASAMA. let's talk beauty pageants.

i belong to a family of conservatives when it comes to beauty pageants. not extremists, but my parents do frown at beauty pageants and modelling all the same. their rationale behind it is, of course, understandable: why on earth would you walk down the ramp in skimpy clothes or your underwear for everyone to see? a boost in confidence for the price of having boys ogle at you? i guess you could say we were taught early on that there's more to beauty than outward appearance. we were allowed to host any and all kinds of events, though, where we still get to wear pretty gowns and fix our hair. anyway, i do not discriminate against beauty queens and beauty queen wanna-be's but, yes, i agree with my parents when they say romping around in your underwear is pointless.

this got me thinking about the ultimate purpose of the mr. and ms. palakasan, the palakasan being our university-wide sports fest. as with most other pageants, the objective is in discovering a person who could best represent a community. beauty queens get to represent their community in formal functions, host events, or even get to talk with dignitaries. and i thought, iit is an academic institution. we're supposed to pride ourselves with our academic achievements, why should our representative be chosen only based on outward appearances?

and so we proposed major amendments to the university's beauty pageant, patterned after the aylc selection process:

(1) candidates must be recommended by their professors;
(2) candidates must not have failed a course during the immediately preceding semester;
(3) candidates must submit a short essay about why she would like to join the competition;
(4) an interview must be performed separate from the awards night q&a where the questions will test how well the candidate knows msu-iit. questions may be about the university hymn, a brief history of the university, a brief history of her college, an overview of the university's cultural or sports groups, perhaps the names of important personalities (at least, the chancellor);
(5) model a malong down the runway (this is a totally unoriginal idea, my mom said they have been doing this in marawi, hehe. but, hey, nice idea, riiiight? :D we did it once in high school, my sister and i were hosting some event in school and we went in malong gowns. needless to say, we won the best dressed side award :P i have a copy of the photo here somewhere, i'll attach it when i find it.)

and etc, among others. all these on top of walking the runway in fancy costumes and a talent show, although a talent show would not be necessary.

i believed, from the amendments we proposed, that we would be able to have much more meaningful beauty pageants in the university. by this screening process we would have been able to discover a beautiful, intelligent, and articulate student we can be proud to call a representative of our university.

we had prepared everything from the process details to the application forms. it has even gone as far as going through reviews by the college student bodies, but it never pushed through. our term ended but we did leave a complete compilation of that idea in the office but is probably long lost by now. i suppose the requirements were a bit too rigid. maybe it IS a lot easier to just pick out the prettiest girl on campus and have her strut her stuff down the runway.

i am truly amazed at what they can do, really i am, but i would be even more amazed if they are like ma'am bevs, who was a student at the time, studying physics, doing her thesis, deans-lister, ipag dancer, member of the university volleyball varsity, and eventually graduated magna cum laude. she won ms. palakasan 2004 (or 2005?). i'd let her represent me anytime!

::

dear ishi* (aka the love letter)

i have written you thousands of letters through the years. i have written you about my day in detail, about the persons i admire, get crushes on, and hate, about feelings and emotions and dreams i can only confide to you because i am afraid of telling anyone else. i am afraid of rejection and of other people getting disappointed in me. but not you. you have always been so faithful and supportive of my aspirations that it pains me now to realize i have only been writing nasty, little letters to you recently. i have been telling you, rather harshly, to improve yourself. i have been berating you for every mistake you've done, belittled you for your imperfections, and castigated you for not achieving what others expect of you.

i am sorry.

i should not have been too hard on you because of the millions of people in this world you are the only one who has always been there no matter where i have gone in life. so, tonight, let me apologize by writing you a love letter instead. 

my dear ishi, talent cannot be measured by how many tickets you've sold nor stage productions you've performed. it is not in the price of the art you've made nor in its technique or perfection. it is not even in the number of people you have entertained. you can sing, you can paint, you can dance, you can write, you are deft with your hands and quick with the rhythm, you are athletic, you learn fast - that is talent written all over. do not think you are mediocre, that you are only just, because your interests are spread out. do not measure your talent by how much you've made other people happy but rather in how much you have enjoyed yourself, and if others appreciate it, then all the better.

you are intelligent. you graduated magna cum laude, remember? you aced all the interviews and got into the engineering program of one of the top universities in the world. UP is not even on that list. how much cooler can you get? why do you not remind yourself that enough? you must be humble, yes, but you also have the right to be proud of everything you've achieved. you studied physics, worked as a software engineer, and now you're doing photonics, electronics, and a load of engineering and technology. who says you're not good enough? do not, even for a second, think you are less passionate than anyone else just because you don't talk about your interests often. in retrospect you see it is always easier to talk about certain topics, engineering most of all, to people who want to listen. do not think you are any bit unworthy because you failed a few times.

you are brave. i know, you do not even understand how it could be bravery when you're only doing the things you would normally do. what's so brave about working away from home and living by yourself? why do people tell you you're brave for getting on a flight and settling into a new place on your own? people do that all the time, right? i've given it much thought and i've come to the conclusion that maybe it's not the act of packing your things and moving away that they find brave. rather, it is the implicit understanding that by doing so you are crossing your comfort zone. and yes, moving out of one's comfort zone is one of the bravest things anyone could do. so ishi, you were brave for breaking stereotypes, for changing specializations, for making it on your own. and if that wasn't brave enough, you changed specializations once again, flew halfway round the world and lived in complete isolation from everyone you ever knew before, in a country with completely different customs and languages. hey, look at you, you're still here! you pack your own things and travel by yourself. you lose yourself in unfamiliar places and always manage to find your way back. you converse with complete strangers. you ask questions. you stand up for your own ideas. that is very brave of you. remember that lady who told you "you're very brave, coming to belgium all by yourself to study" and you replied, "it wasn't bravery..i probably just did not know any better." well, perhaps she's right, that makes you even braver then, making the leap even when you didn't know any better.

stop thinking you're not good enough because you haven't proven anything to anyone. why is it that you do not see how much you've done already? everyone falls down at some point so stop carrying the burden of your failures on your shoulders. stop waiting for other people to recognize you're good enough. i can tell you now, you are much, much more than enough.

i admire your strength, ish. do not compare your problems with anyone else. just because you worry about your courses and the next report you have to make right now rather than worrying about world hunger does not make you any less human nor in-compassionate. do not belittle yourself because the persons you admire are worrying about things like the economy and the market and the next big break in fundamental research. each has their own set of challenges, do not compare yours with theirs. and just because you do not desire a phd does not make you less ambitious nor less intelligent than the next person. 

i hope you drop the "crazy-making expectation that (women) must all be perfect friends and perfect mothers, and perfect workers and perfect lovers with perfect bodies who dedicate ourselves to charity and grow our own organic vegetables, at the same time that we run corporations and stand on our heads while playing the guitar with our feet."

you're amazing, ish. i hope you know that and that i love you with all my heart.

love,

ishi

::

live plants stress me out

plants are my father's expertise. it was, of course, one of our chores to water the plants and weed the garden, but it is my father who actually tends to them. he knows everything from fertilizing, to planting, to grafting, to harvesting. he does the landscaping, then probably change it in a month or two, and even does his own version of ikebana. during trips you'd find him poring a long time over some bush, and when it's time to go you'd almost always spot a branch, or a shoot, or a seed in the trunk.

my point is, i have also not inherited my father's green thumb. i do not question my ability to raise cats and dogs, but plants? haha. i tend to forget watering plants T_T

i dropped by the flower market again after church. i was meaning to buy those daisy-looking flowers (you know, the big, sturdy ones without the yellow in the middle?) in red, pink, and flesh, and a bunch of those greens that look like starburst, but the shop-keeper was still busy with other customers so i looked around for a bit. in the opposite stall there was a child of about 8 years old, with his dad, and they looked so adorable picking out blooms. and i was so engrossed looking at them when suddenly the shop-keeper popped up beside me and asked if he could help me with anything and i was like whoa, maybe i'll uh have that pot of kerstster, alstublieft?

..

so..

..yeah. i have brought home a live, breathing  pot of poinsettia. good luck little poinsettia.

the shopkeeper said i should water it three times a week. for good measure i also looked up poinsettias for dummies and it says, 

- allow direct sunlight. check

- keep in temperatures between 15-20 degrees. uh, check?

- do not let it touch the cold window panes. oh! check.

- do not under-water.

- do not over-water.

okay. lezzdodiz!

::

trivia: pope

pope benedict xvi was actually the head of the commission responsible for the creation of the catechism of the catholic church!

::

data dump 05/11/15

okay, here's the deal. there's so much going on in my head the past few days yet everyone else is pretty busy with their lives at the moment so i never really get to talk these over in depth with actual people, which is why before my mind gets too saturated, i better get them out. otherwise, the dead zone would be terribly long. to be honest, all of these belong to the personal matters category because it's the hardest ones to decide on, contain, make sense of, or forget, thereby they're usually the ones that are kept the longest in short term memory. and they're emotionally draining, ugh! academic and technical matters are the "easiest" to solve (except getting the cisco vpn to work on windows 10) because..i dunno..they just are, and they don't take up much emotional ram. thank God for science. so, data dump..

carmelite

i met kuya joel one sunday mass about a month ago. he's from nueva ecija and doing a phd on food technology specializing in cocoa. from what i understand, he'd like to work on a technology to produce belgian-grade chocolates from philippine-produced cocoa, which is awesome!

anyway, he's also very active in church. he plays the organ, he goes to non-sunday church functions, he knows the priests personally..basically he knows a lot of people. oh, he actually did his masters here a few years ago too which could explain a lot. he told me about the holy hour on wednesday evenings at the carmelite church somewhere in the city center so i promised to drop by.

as a portal, i have captured and re-captured the church countless number of times but last night was the first time i've ever been inside - and it is beautiful!

after holy hour kuya joel introduced us (hyzel was also there) to a lot of people - regular holy hour-goers like genevie and family, the girl who sings in the choir, sara, and there's william who also heads the english eucharists' choir, and father lucas. and, believe it or not, it was only last night that i learned there's actually a carmelite order of priests! it's really not that big a deal, it's not life-changing or anything, it's just that my mom, if she had not decided to get married, would have joined the carmelite order of nuns. that in mind, i should have been aware about the carmelite order of priests too, haha. 

anyway..

..they have priests!

hahaha. the technicalities of the catholic faith is not my expertise anyway. it's actually my mom who knows about these things and by mutual, unspoken consent, the rest of the family mostly leaves the technical, religious matters to her. she plans, we support, that's how it goes :P also, it's just how we're brought up - priests are priests, and knowing the who's who in the organization does not make you a better christian. 

we chanced on a skype date with my parents when i got home and i told my mom about the carmelite order and she said, of course there is (haha). and that there are actually two types of carmelites, the saint therese of lisieux and the st. theresa of avila, and the lisieux one is semi-contemplative. that said, fr. lucas and the priests running this carmelite church in burgstraat must be from the avila group since we get to talk to them and everything.

we knew my mom would have joined the lisieux carmelite order and every one of us in the family was like, contemplative? mom? seriously?? :)) since we were on the topic of religious orders anyway, i figured out it was high time to know which order my grand uncle belongs to - so lolo father is with the sacred heart. okay. after all these talk my dad asked me last night, why, do you plan on becoming a nun too? to which my sister was very quick to say, nah, doesn't suit her hahaha. sorry, Lord :))

hey, it's never too late for a calling. but, Lord, i'd rather do a lot of engineering and maybe get on the ISS, please.

family photo

so i mentioned we had a skype date with my parents. they called my sister and ken at the same time who were on vacation in portugal at the moment, so that's three timezones in one call now :D i tried to call my brother in cebu and he actually woke up for the call, haha. ever since the "grand diaspora", my brothers have been more amiable to waking up early or sleeping late for conversations like these. waking them up usually takes a long time and a minor fight in between, hahaha.

so, tadaaa! we managed to get a complete family photo!

that would be four cities, in three time zones. it would have been more cool in a few weeks since my parents will be heading to jakarta for some awarding ceremony, then it would have been five cities in one screenshot! but, anyway, this is still okay :) 

*major hilak na nanaman afterwards, huhu*

first reading
oh, and i read in church last sunday! i'm not generally fond of introducing myself so i have been the most passive church-goer you'd have ever seen the past year. i was finally invited to read and (not to brag..okay, i AM a BIT overjoyed haha) i must have done well because fr. charles said so. and the lector came up to me and said so too, and added that he'd like to make me a regular reader at church. yehey! i do miss church responsibilities ^^

internship

on a different topic, the traineeship contract is stressing me out BIG TIME. the way my department handles administrative issues is deeply frustrating, i'm more than ready to change factions T_T i love my vub! wooo! eat that, ugent :P

yes, i'm human, i need to vent too :P

ballet

i've also been looking at cultural shows in gent every now and again and they're usually quite expensive. but, hey, there's no price for experience, right? i was ready to spend on tickets to the ballet in the cinemas for december at kinepolis until i finally understood that it is only to be streamed live from the covent gardens opera. tsktsk, not good enough. good thing i looked at the vlaamse opera's website and they are producing the nutcracker this season too! and it'll be coming to gent on february! yey! who says the nutcracker is only for christmas? hehe. 

i probably need a valentines date, but more importantly, i think i need binoculars :P

i also bought tickets to the ugent symphony orchestra concert for the 1st of december. i wasn't able to watch their winter concert last year because the tickets were already sold out by the time i decided haha tsk. 

so i really don't like listing down "things i must experience before i die" because i feel it makes you discontented if you cannot cross everything out from that list, but, hey..this list doesn't look too bad:

Ballet
Broadway
Choir
Circus
Concert
Musical Theatre
Opera
Orchestra
Theatre Play

as of this writing i have already crossed out three and there's two in waiting. i think the only one that's hard to achieve is watching broadway because i need to be in the US for that. hmm, not too bad at all, lezzdodis! :D 

love letter

also, i wrote myself a love letter. i have not read it until now.

mission/vision

this..probably requires a different article by itself, haha. the point is, i have goals like everyone else but i just don't talk or write about it as much because, 

(1) they are so big they intimidate even me,
(2) they are so simple they make me reconsider what i'm currently doing with my life,

(3) talking about it gives other people unrealistic expectations of me,

(4) i don't like disappointing people,

(5) even more so, i don't like disappointing myself, and

(6) sometimes i like to surprise myself with what i can achieve.

but recently my thought process has concluded that, yeah, maybe i SHOULD write it down. so i'm  probably going to do that soon on a clean page and who cares what other people think :P

::

raman spectroscopy

it's one of those days when you just can't get yourself to start writing anything technical so you doodle on your graph instead and hope you remember everything you'd like to say on your paper when you actually write it later on.

::

if you forget me

i had the chance to read again a poem by pablo neruda which, the first time i read it when i was younger, felt vague and distant and understanding it required an academic, structured inquiry into each line of the poem. reading it again last night, it was flawless, as if i have uttered every line in it myself. it is both beautiful and sad at the same time, this temporal incoherence of emotions. in the context of pablo neruda's if you forget me, it is beautiful because it meant i have loved, and sad because it meant i have loved someone who might not feel the same towards me at all.

human experience is a curious thing. even though it is glaringly logical (like, duh), it still amazes me how every written piece of literary work elicits different feelings each time you re-read simply because life happens in between.

If you forget me

I want you to know

one thing. 

You know how this is: 

if I look 

at the crystal moon, at the red branch 

of the slow autumn at my window, 

if I touch 

near the fire 

the impalpable ash 

or the wrinkled body of the log, 

everything carries me to you, 

as if everything that exists, 

aromas, light, metals, 

were little boats 

that sail 

toward those isles of yours that wait for me. 

Well, now, 

if little by little you stop loving me 

I shall stop loving you little by little. 

If suddenly 

you forget me 

do not look for me, 

for I shall already have forgotten you. 

If you think it long and mad, 

the wind of banners 

that passes through my life, 

and you decide 

to leave me at the shore 

of the heart where I have roots, 

remember 

that on that day, 

at that hour, 

I shall lift my arms 

and my roots will set off 

to seek another land. 

But 

if each day, 

each hour, 

you feel that you are destined for me 

with implacable sweetness, 

if each day a flower 

climbs up to your lips to seek me, 

ah my love, ah my own, 

in me all that fire is repeated, 

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, 

my love feeds on your love, beloved, 

and as long as you live it will be in your arms 

without leaving mine. 

::

tsk

Warning: Is it absolutely necessary to beat yourself up today?

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What they don't tell you when you leave the Philippines

Warning: Is it absolutely necessary to beat yourself up today?

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