bye 2015

2015 is a year i never hope to live again, and the most accurate way to describe it is that 2015 is a lesson in failure. failure is an annoying phenomenon. you think you've chosen your battles wisely enough and then one bright, sunny afternoon it just gracelessly sweeps you off your feet and slams you hard, face down on the ground, and before you can even grieve you have to find your feet and redo your life plan in a jiffy. it's not a particularly easy thing to do especially if one is carelessly confident and does not have a back-up plan for failure. i can only be grateful to the people who has allowed me time to bawl my heart out when the rest of the world expected me to be strong and smile and move on.

but to end the year on a good note, the odd years have generally worked in my favor before and despite everything, 2015 was still jam-packed with good experiences: the thesis, working in the clean room, presenting at an IYL forum, working on SOI technology, corresponding with (THE one and only) imec, meeting people professionally, spending an afternoon at the bell labs, seeing my sister twice, seeing the pope, travelling to four different countries, joining the choir, being waltzed properly, and learning the harp..and also being told i'd make a good wife (obviously by somebody oblivious of the fact that i hate cooking bwahahaha).

and so, in spite of it all, it was still a good year and i would like to thank again everyone who made it to the acknowledgement page of my master's thesis, my professors, old friends who have kept in touch, new friends who have been very welcoming, and the lady from the lego store who secretly gave me a c3po despite my total purchase not reaching 30eu haha. but, seriously, thank you. i have never been so eager to get out of a year as i am for this one and i hope 2016 brings better experiences to us all.

happy new year :)

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#happykindofdizzy

every girl should have the chance to be waltzed properly at least once in her life ^^

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tbd

reinventing beauty pageants

i was talking with my brother who just spent a part of his afternoon diving through my old records looking for my physics notes and he uncovered one of documents i have meticulously put away from my time as a KASAMA under-secretary. the KASAMA, kataas-taasang samahan ng mga mag-aaral, is the highest governing student body of the university. in turn, the university presidents vote among themselves who would be the student representative in the university system's board of directors, with the same voting power as the president of the philippines. but my story is not about KASAMA. let's talk beauty pageants.

i belong to a family of conservatives when it comes to beauty pageants. not extremists, but my parents do frown at beauty pageants and modelling all the same. their rationale behind it is, of course, understandable: why on earth would you walk down the ramp in skimpy clothes or your underwear for everyone to see? a boost in confidence for the price of having boys ogle at you? i guess you could say we were taught early on that there's more to beauty than outward appearance. we were allowed to host any and all kinds of events, though, where we still get to wear pretty gowns and fix our hair. anyway, i do not discriminate against beauty queens and beauty queen wanna-be's but, yes, i agree with my parents when they say romping around in your underwear is pointless.

this got me thinking about the ultimate purpose of the mr. and ms. palakasan, the palakasan being our university-wide sports fest. as with most other pageants, the objective is in discovering a person who could best represent a community. beauty queens get to represent their community in formal functions, host events, or even get to talk with dignitaries. and i thought, iit is an academic institution. we're supposed to pride ourselves with our academic achievements, why should our representative be chosen only based on outward appearances?

and so we proposed major amendments to the university's beauty pageant, patterned after the aylc selection process:

(1) candidates must be recommended by their professors;
(2) candidates must not have failed a course during the immediately preceding semester;
(3) candidates must submit a short essay about why she would like to join the competition;
(4) an interview must be performed separate from the awards night q&a where the questions will test how well the candidate knows msu-iit. questions may be about the university hymn, a brief history of the university, a brief history of her college, an overview of the university's cultural or sports groups, perhaps the names of important personalities (at least, the chancellor);
(5) model a malong down the runway (this is a totally unoriginal idea, my mom said they have been doing this in marawi, hehe. but, hey, nice idea, riiiight? :D we did it once in high school, my sister and i were hosting some event in school and we went in malong gowns. needless to say, we won the best dressed side award :P i have a copy of the photo here somewhere, i'll attach it when i find it.)

and etc, among others. all these on top of walking the runway in fancy costumes and a talent show, although a talent show would not be necessary.

i believed, from the amendments we proposed, that we would be able to have much more meaningful beauty pageants in the university. by this screening process we would have been able to discover a beautiful, intelligent, and articulate student we can be proud to call a representative of our university.

we had prepared everything from the process details to the application forms. it has even gone as far as going through reviews by the college student bodies, but it never pushed through. our term ended but we did leave a complete compilation of that idea in the office but is probably long lost by now. i suppose the requirements were a bit too rigid. maybe it IS a lot easier to just pick out the prettiest girl on campus and have her strut her stuff down the runway.

i am truly amazed at what they can do, really i am, but i would be even more amazed if they are like ma'am bevs, who was a student at the time, studying physics, doing her thesis, deans-lister, ipag dancer, member of the university volleyball varsity, and eventually graduated magna cum laude. she won ms. palakasan 2004 (or 2005?). i'd let her represent me anytime!

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dear ishi* (aka the love letter)

i have written you thousands of letters through the years. i have written you about my day in detail, about the persons i admire, get crushes on, and hate, about feelings and emotions and dreams i can only confide to you because i am afraid of telling anyone else. i am afraid of rejection and of other people getting disappointed in me. but not you. you have always been so faithful and supportive of my aspirations that it pains me now to realize i have only been writing nasty, little letters to you recently. i have been telling you, rather harshly, to improve yourself. i have been berating you for every mistake you've done, belittled you for your imperfections, and castigated you for not achieving what others expect of you.

i am sorry.

i should not have been too hard on you because of the millions of people in this world you are the only one who has always been there no matter where i have gone in life. so, tonight, let me apologize by writing you a love letter instead. 

my dear ishi, talent cannot be measured by how many tickets you've sold nor stage productions you've performed. it is not in the price of the art you've made nor in its technique or perfection. it is not even in the number of people you have entertained. you can sing, you can paint, you can dance, you can write, you are deft with your hands and quick with the rhythm, you are athletic, you learn fast - that is talent written all over. do not think you are mediocre, that you are only just, because your interests are spread out. do not measure your talent by how much you've made other people happy but rather in how much you have enjoyed yourself, and if others appreciate it, then all the better.

you are intelligent. you graduated magna cum laude, remember? you aced all the interviews and got into the engineering program of one of the top universities in the world. UP is not even on that list. how much cooler can you get? why do you not remind yourself that enough? you must be humble, yes, but you also have the right to be proud of everything you've achieved. you studied physics, worked as a software engineer, and now you're doing photonics, electronics, and a load of engineering and technology. who says you're not good enough? do not, even for a second, think you are less passionate than anyone else just because you don't talk about your interests often. in retrospect you see it is always easier to talk about certain topics, engineering most of all, to people who want to listen. do not think you are any bit unworthy because you failed a few times.

you are brave. i know, you do not even understand how it could be bravery when you're only doing the things you would normally do. what's so brave about working away from home and living by yourself? why do people tell you you're brave for getting on a flight and settling into a new place on your own? people do that all the time, right? i've given it much thought and i've come to the conclusion that maybe it's not the act of packing your things and moving away that they find brave. rather, it is the implicit understanding that by doing so you are crossing your comfort zone. and yes, moving out of one's comfort zone is one of the bravest things anyone could do. so ishi, you were brave for breaking stereotypes, for changing specializations, for making it on your own. and if that wasn't brave enough, you changed specializations once again, flew halfway round the world and lived in complete isolation from everyone you ever knew before, in a country with completely different customs and languages. hey, look at you, you're still here! you pack your own things and travel by yourself. you lose yourself in unfamiliar places and always manage to find your way back. you converse with complete strangers. you ask questions. you stand up for your own ideas. that is very brave of you. remember that lady who told you "you're very brave, coming to belgium all by yourself to study" and you replied, "it wasn't bravery..i probably just did not know any better." well, perhaps she's right, that makes you even braver then, making the leap even when you didn't know any better.

stop thinking you're not good enough because you haven't proven anything to anyone. why is it that you do not see how much you've done already? everyone falls down at some point so stop carrying the burden of your failures on your shoulders. stop waiting for other people to recognize you're good enough. i can tell you now, you are much, much more than enough.

i admire your strength, ish. do not compare your problems with anyone else. just because you worry about your courses and the next report you have to make right now rather than worrying about world hunger does not make you any less human nor in-compassionate. do not belittle yourself because the persons you admire are worrying about things like the economy and the market and the next big break in fundamental research. each has their own set of challenges, do not compare yours with theirs. and just because you do not desire a phd does not make you less ambitious nor less intelligent than the next person. 

i hope you drop the "crazy-making expectation that (women) must all be perfect friends and perfect mothers, and perfect workers and perfect lovers with perfect bodies who dedicate ourselves to charity and grow our own organic vegetables, at the same time that we run corporations and stand on our heads while playing the guitar with our feet."

you're amazing, ish. i hope you know that and that i love you with all my heart.

love,

ishi

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live plants stress me out

plants are my father's expertise. it was, of course, one of our chores to water the plants and weed the garden, but it is my father who actually tends to them. he knows everything from fertilizing, to planting, to grafting, to harvesting. he does the landscaping, then probably change it in a month or two, and even does his own version of ikebana. during trips you'd find him poring a long time over some bush, and when it's time to go you'd almost always spot a branch, or a shoot, or a seed in the trunk.

my point is, i have also not inherited my father's green thumb. i do not question my ability to raise cats and dogs, but plants? haha. i tend to forget watering plants T_T

i dropped by the flower market again after church. i was meaning to buy those daisy-looking flowers (you know, the big, sturdy ones without the yellow in the middle?) in red, pink, and flesh, and a bunch of those greens that look like starburst, but the shop-keeper was still busy with other customers so i looked around for a bit. in the opposite stall there was a child of about 8 years old, with his dad, and they looked so adorable picking out blooms. and i was so engrossed looking at them when suddenly the shop-keeper popped up beside me and asked if he could help me with anything and i was like whoa, maybe i'll uh have that pot of kerstster, alstublieft?

..

so..

..yeah. i have brought home a live, breathing  pot of poinsettia. good luck little poinsettia.

the shopkeeper said i should water it three times a week. for good measure i also looked up poinsettias for dummies and it says, 

- allow direct sunlight. check

- keep in temperatures between 15-20 degrees. uh, check?

- do not let it touch the cold window panes. oh! check.

- do not under-water.

- do not over-water.

okay. lezzdodiz!

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trivia: pope

pope benedict xvi was actually the head of the commission responsible for the creation of the catechism of the catholic church!

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data dump 05/11/15

okay, here's the deal. there's so much going on in my head the past few days yet everyone else is pretty busy with their lives at the moment so i never really get to talk these over in depth with actual people, which is why before my mind gets too saturated, i better get them out. otherwise, the dead zone would be terribly long. to be honest, all of these belong to the personal matters category because it's the hardest ones to decide on, contain, make sense of, or forget, thereby they're usually the ones that are kept the longest in short term memory. and they're emotionally draining, ugh! academic and technical matters are the "easiest" to solve (except getting the cisco vpn to work on windows 10) because..i dunno..they just are, and they don't take up much emotional ram. thank God for science. so, data dump..

carmelite

i met kuya joel one sunday mass about a month ago. he's from nueva ecija and doing a phd on food technology specializing in cocoa. from what i understand, he'd like to work on a technology to produce belgian-grade chocolates from philippine-produced cocoa, which is awesome!

anyway, he's also very active in church. he plays the organ, he goes to non-sunday church functions, he knows the priests personally..basically he knows a lot of people. oh, he actually did his masters here a few years ago too which could explain a lot. he told me about the holy hour on wednesday evenings at the carmelite church somewhere in the city center so i promised to drop by.

as a portal, i have captured and re-captured the church countless number of times but last night was the first time i've ever been inside - and it is beautiful!

after holy hour kuya joel introduced us (hyzel was also there) to a lot of people - regular holy hour-goers like genevie and family, the girl who sings in the choir, sara, and there's william who also heads the english eucharists' choir, and father lucas. and, believe it or not, it was only last night that i learned there's actually a carmelite order of priests! it's really not that big a deal, it's not life-changing or anything, it's just that my mom, if she had not decided to get married, would have joined the carmelite order of nuns. that in mind, i should have been aware about the carmelite order of priests too, haha. 

anyway..

..they have priests!

hahaha. the technicalities of the catholic faith is not my expertise anyway. it's actually my mom who knows about these things and by mutual, unspoken consent, the rest of the family mostly leaves the technical, religious matters to her. she plans, we support, that's how it goes :P also, it's just how we're brought up - priests are priests, and knowing the who's who in the organization does not make you a better christian. 

we chanced on a skype date with my parents when i got home and i told my mom about the carmelite order and she said, of course there is (haha). and that there are actually two types of carmelites, the saint therese of lisieux and the st. theresa of avila, and the lisieux one is semi-contemplative. that said, fr. lucas and the priests running this carmelite church in burgstraat must be from the avila group since we get to talk to them and everything.

we knew my mom would have joined the lisieux carmelite order and every one of us in the family was like, contemplative? mom? seriously?? :)) since we were on the topic of religious orders anyway, i figured out it was high time to know which order my grand uncle belongs to - so lolo father is with the sacred heart. okay. after all these talk my dad asked me last night, why, do you plan on becoming a nun too? to which my sister was very quick to say, nah, doesn't suit her hahaha. sorry, Lord :))

hey, it's never too late for a calling. but, Lord, i'd rather do a lot of engineering and maybe get on the ISS, please.

family photo

so i mentioned we had a skype date with my parents. they called my sister and ken at the same time who were on vacation in portugal at the moment, so that's three timezones in one call now :D i tried to call my brother in cebu and he actually woke up for the call, haha. ever since the "grand diaspora", my brothers have been more amiable to waking up early or sleeping late for conversations like these. waking them up usually takes a long time and a minor fight in between, hahaha.

so, tadaaa! we managed to get a complete family photo!

that would be four cities, in three time zones. it would have been more cool in a few weeks since my parents will be heading to jakarta for some awarding ceremony, then it would have been five cities in one screenshot! but, anyway, this is still okay :) 

*major hilak na nanaman afterwards, huhu*

first reading
oh, and i read in church last sunday! i'm not generally fond of introducing myself so i have been the most passive church-goer you'd have ever seen the past year. i was finally invited to read and (not to brag..okay, i AM a BIT overjoyed haha) i must have done well because fr. charles said so. and the lector came up to me and said so too, and added that he'd like to make me a regular reader at church. yehey! i do miss church responsibilities ^^

internship

on a different topic, the traineeship contract is stressing me out BIG TIME. the way my department handles administrative issues is deeply frustrating, i'm more than ready to change factions T_T i love my vub! wooo! eat that, ugent :P

yes, i'm human, i need to vent too :P

ballet

i've also been looking at cultural shows in gent every now and again and they're usually quite expensive. but, hey, there's no price for experience, right? i was ready to spend on tickets to the ballet in the cinemas for december at kinepolis until i finally understood that it is only to be streamed live from the covent gardens opera. tsktsk, not good enough. good thing i looked at the vlaamse opera's website and they are producing the nutcracker this season too! and it'll be coming to gent on february! yey! who says the nutcracker is only for christmas? hehe. 

i probably need a valentines date, but more importantly, i think i need binoculars :P

i also bought tickets to the ugent symphony orchestra concert for the 1st of december. i wasn't able to watch their winter concert last year because the tickets were already sold out by the time i decided haha tsk. 

so i really don't like listing down "things i must experience before i die" because i feel it makes you discontented if you cannot cross everything out from that list, but, hey..this list doesn't look too bad:

Ballet
Broadway
Choir
Circus
Concert
Musical Theatre
Opera
Orchestra
Theatre Play

as of this writing i have already crossed out three and there's two in waiting. i think the only one that's hard to achieve is watching broadway because i need to be in the US for that. hmm, not too bad at all, lezzdodis! :D 

love letter

also, i wrote myself a love letter. i have not read it until now.

mission/vision

this..probably requires a different article by itself, haha. the point is, i have goals like everyone else but i just don't talk or write about it as much because, 

(1) they are so big they intimidate even me,
(2) they are so simple they make me reconsider what i'm currently doing with my life,

(3) talking about it gives other people unrealistic expectations of me,

(4) i don't like disappointing people,

(5) even more so, i don't like disappointing myself, and

(6) sometimes i like to surprise myself with what i can achieve.

but recently my thought process has concluded that, yeah, maybe i SHOULD write it down. so i'm  probably going to do that soon on a clean page and who cares what other people think :P

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raman spectroscopy

it's one of those days when you just can't get yourself to start writing anything technical so you doodle on your graph instead and hope you remember everything you'd like to say on your paper when you actually write it later on.

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if you forget me

i had the chance to read again a poem by pablo neruda which, the first time i read it when i was younger, felt vague and distant and understanding it required an academic, structured inquiry into each line of the poem. reading it again last night, it was flawless, as if i have uttered every line in it myself. it is both beautiful and sad at the same time, this temporal incoherence of emotions. in the context of pablo neruda's if you forget me, it is beautiful because it meant i have loved, and sad because it meant i have loved someone who might not feel the same towards me at all.

human experience is a curious thing. even though it is glaringly logical (like, duh), it still amazes me how every written piece of literary work elicits different feelings each time you re-read simply because life happens in between.

If you forget me

I want you to know

one thing. 

You know how this is: 

if I look 

at the crystal moon, at the red branch 

of the slow autumn at my window, 

if I touch 

near the fire 

the impalpable ash 

or the wrinkled body of the log, 

everything carries me to you, 

as if everything that exists, 

aromas, light, metals, 

were little boats 

that sail 

toward those isles of yours that wait for me. 

Well, now, 

if little by little you stop loving me 

I shall stop loving you little by little. 

If suddenly 

you forget me 

do not look for me, 

for I shall already have forgotten you. 

If you think it long and mad, 

the wind of banners 

that passes through my life, 

and you decide 

to leave me at the shore 

of the heart where I have roots, 

remember 

that on that day, 

at that hour, 

I shall lift my arms 

and my roots will set off 

to seek another land. 

But 

if each day, 

each hour, 

you feel that you are destined for me 

with implacable sweetness, 

if each day a flower 

climbs up to your lips to seek me, 

ah my love, ah my own, 

in me all that fire is repeated, 

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, 

my love feeds on your love, beloved, 

and as long as you live it will be in your arms 

without leaving mine. 

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tsk

Warning: Is it absolutely necessary to beat yourself up today?

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What they don't tell you when you leave the Philippines

Warning: Is it absolutely necessary to beat yourself up today?

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firenze

so this is where the great renaissance started roughly 700 years ago. one wonders, really, what florence must have been like before all those basilicas have been built and those frescoes, painted, to have ushered enlightenment and a new age at such a grand scale. what a beauty and inspiration it must have been to have spawned artists, scientists, writers, and philosophers of the likes of michaelangelo, botticelli, donatello, brunelleschi, da vinci, galileo, machiavelli, and alighieri (whose divine comedy i'm still struggling to read past page 30, still stuck in inferno after all these years :P). the city itself is not as grand as rome nor as romantic as venice, but its simplicity (and food) left a huge mark in my heart. i marvel at the experience of walking through small alleys, quaint bookstores, family-run leather shops, grand pantheons and even grander basilicas or looking at art and finally meeting my david face to face. and having rubbed the nose of the porcellino, my return to florence has been guaranteed. the only questions that remains now are when, and with whom? ^^

Basilica di Santa Croce

Fontana del Porcellino

Santa Maria del Fiore Cathedral and Ponte Vecchio at night

Mercato de San Lorenzo ^^

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happy wednesday!

yey! :D

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tenchu guys

sometimes i feel like i cry over insignificant things. thank God (i'm still an eensy weensy bit resentful at you, though) for people like Kebin and Ate who never makes me feel like a spoiled, ungrateful kid for crying over exams and grades instead of things like world peace..for now.

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untitled 003

the train chugged through the railway, it was three in the afternoon and the skies are getting darker by the minute. she looked to her left and engrossed herself to the ongoing conversation between her chinese friend and a belgian passenger who apparently thinks they were tourists. after a while, she settled back in her seat and replied to her ongoing conversation with another friend 7 time zones away.

while the rain started to pour outside, she started to drift off to sleep. 

suddenly, the train lurched to a stop. the rain is pouring like mad now and on another track right below the bridge, another train has also stopped. from the darkness and blur one could only make out a few cars running on the nearby highway and the random blinking lights of a police car.

she made herself comfortable in her seat again. if it WAS the start of a horror story, then apparently she didn't mind. she was among friends, after all, both with her in the train and halfway around the world. if this particular horror story ever comes through, she's sure she won't be waddling through it alone.

:)

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acknowledgement

if it is professionally acceptable to write the acknowledgements in a very personal way, i would have written..

For the culmination of this thesis work, and eventually the conclusion of my photonics engineering education, I would like to thank a number of people whose help has made a lot of things possible.

First, I thank my promotor, Professor Herbert De Smet, for allowing me the opportunity to do my thesis work here at the Centre for Microsystems Technology (CMST).

I would especially like to express my utmost appreciation and gratitude to my supervisor, Xiaobing Shang, for his guidance and patience throughout this study. Without his support, I would not be able to finish this work. In the beginning I was, honestly, surprised to be mentored under one so approachable and always available for consultation. My senpai during my undergraduate thesis was the complete opposite and I got used to working things out on my own, which was why, when we started, I could go for days without updates. From my time with him, I have learned not only the in's and out's of clean room processes but also the value of consultation and collaboration. Apart from his excellent mentoring, I enjoyed his company and his tireless enthusiasm when talking about his home country, politics, and international policies.

I would also like to thank my other mentors, first of all, Pankaj, for lending his expertise in all kinds of software I used during my study: COMSOL Multiphysics, Lumerical FDTD, and MatLab. For the valuable personal advice, the lunch time conversations, the endless general information trivias, For your first of many advice, "If you're in a bind, try not to overwork yourself, tell Xiaobing. If he cannot help you, at least he knows in which areas you're having a difficult time with. Otherwise, the moment you finally figure everything out, others might think oh, that was easy, how come it took you too long to figure out? You understand the point of what I'm saying?", which I couldn't forget. For overseeing my work in the optics lab, for the discussions and consultations, for knowing everything even phone numbers of the different process bays, for keeping the atmosphere light and enjoyable, for simply being awesome, thank you.

My thanks also to the rest of the gang, Bart, Andres, Kristof, and Jelle, for their valuable guidance and advice during the time I spent in CMST. I would even like to thank Philip, even though i hate the way the frequency of his voice actually resonates in my lungs and in my skull, for spicing up my time in that office. Also, a big, big thanks to Oliver for visiting Xiaobing or Pankaj every now and then. His presence is always a ray of sunshine, and his voice, music, on an otherwise normal day.

I am also grateful to old friends who have kept in touch, most of all to Kevin, who was consistently there throughout the two years I spent away from home. I am grateful to him for not making an issue our distance, for the comfort of listening to all my post-exam emotional break-down conversations, for commenting on all my poorly recorded covers, for keeping me in the loop, for the positive thoughts when I feel all too ready to give up, for knowing I'm weak and loving me still, for knowing my mistakes and the poor life and love decisions that I've made yet never putting me down, for trusting me even when I doubt myself, for talking to me just because, for seeing my huge potential for self-destruction and keeping me sane and, well, alive, thank you.

To Kuya Em, for checking on me now and again, for the conversations about anything and everything, for listening to me complain about Philip (haha), thank you.

I would also like to thank Tj for a number of reasons: for taking the time to get me important papers published in japanese journals, for getting to my requests quickly, for the advice and the suggestions and for bouncing back ideas to me, for taking the time to help me decide a lot of things, for talking me out of loneliness that one time, for helping me make sense of symmetries and capacitors and all other things. Basically, for all the free consultation and various professional help, thank you very much.

My sincere thanks to my fellow master students, whom I can proudly call my friends, for looking out for me, for sharing their time and ideas, and shared memories with me throughout the course of the program. To Xiaofeng who said she looks at me like a sister, thank you for the kind words, the help you've extended when I was stuck with my analysis, for the lunch picnics and football during the summer, for the zumba sessions, thank you. To Ali, my birthday-mate whom I've corresponded even before starting the program, thank you for eavesdropping on my behalf, haha. To Boyang and Yuting, my first and recurring lab mates, I couldn't have done all those things without your cooperation and trust. To Jake, for teaching me how to skate. To Xiaomin, Xiaoning, Kefang, Bai Song, for the friendship. To Floris, for helping me through the electronics lab when I got totally lost with my SPICE. To Nicholas, for being the best lab partner. EVER. And to all the others I've been with for only a sem or two, thank you.

Most of all, I would like to thank my parents and my family for always having my back. Their unconditional support have continuously encouraged me during my studies. In particular I am forever grateful to my sister for her unparalleled moral support not only during this chapter of my life, but for all my life, really. For encouraging me to press on, for being the only one who understood how difficult things were even when I have never explained my situation in detail, for crying harder whenever I cry, for listening when I try to explain things I didn't even understand completely myself, for all the advice on how to survive the cold and the gloom, for allowing me to raid her vanity kit whenever we meet, for constantly worrying over my face and hydration, for being my constant connection to my family, for being the shield whenever I need the space and quiet, I cannot thank her enough. I have always wanted an older brother, but if it comes at the cost of replacing her, I wouldn't do it for the world.

Ailee Trinidad,

Ghent 2015

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bear

Warning: Is it absolutely necessary to beat yourself up today?
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the train chugged through the railway, its passengers quiet and seemingly ready to retire after the day's work despite it being only a few minutes past 7. the only sounds she could hear were the inaudible, hushed chatter of a group of friends in the far back and the sound of the wheels running on the tracks.

she looked outside the window across the aisle to her right and smiled at the view: barns and fields and the occasional wind radar set against a backdrop of blue skies and white, fluffy clouds without a hint of orange, telling her sunset is still far off. she settled back in her seat and rechecked her phone, not trusting the notifications, but the last bubble on the conversation thread remained the same. sigh. the sight on her left was a different story altogether. in the distance, heavy, dark clouds loomed closely over a cluster of buildings which was her destination. as the train moved forward, so did the menacing clump of gloom move closer, and grow bigger and darker like a horror story waiting to happen.

she suddenly felt scared, like a little child who has lost her mummy's grip in a sea of strangers. she looked to her neighbor but the old lady next to her was asleep, breathing softly on her shoulders where her head rested. across the aisle the businessman was occupied, noiselessly typing in replies to emails on his mac. she knew no one, she was alone.

in that moment she found herself wishing she wasn't travelling by herself, nor that she was going back to a foreign city and an empty home. she wished there was somebody to pick her up at the station at least, with an umbrella and a warm smile. she checked her phone again and wished some messages would come through for the comfort of knowing she wasn't totally alone and keep the fright away, or that she could at least tell somebody where she was before this particular horror story kills her.

sigh. if there's one thing movies have taught her, it's that it's never a good idea to waddle through horror stories alone.

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hands

hahahahahaha.

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all is fair in love and war

is everything fair in love? no. no one should break relationships, and no one should make another fall in love without taking responsibility. he who uses deceit in the pursuit of love cannot be trusted.

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ideas, ideas, ideas

some ideas might just remain ideas and outlines, and might never experience the click of the "publish" button :P

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BCD

I suppose if you're walking randomly across the street and you call out "BCD!", you'd know that any person who'd understand was once an IDS student. Who doesn't know BCD? What is actually an abbreviation of "Beautification and Cleanliness Drive" has transformed into a very commonly used verb just like when you say 'google it up'. Mag-BCD na ko bai. Hala, ma-BCD jud ka ana! Every school rule you broke, every time you were late for class, every time you hide your ID in your chest pocket, every mischief you've done, is another bar on your BCD record and pretty much determines how long you'll be staying in campus during the summer break weeding gardens, planting durantas, and slaving away under the heat of the sun until the unyielding, OC head disciplinarian finds your results to her satisfaction.

And we all have one person to thank for it - Ma'am Tuanda.

Being sent to Ma'am Tuanda's office was worse than being sent to the principal (not even close). And getting her approval for activities is almost as bad as going to the university DSA. Nevertheless, Ma'am Tuanda and her BCDs have always been one of the most trending topics during breaks: how she caught someone breaking school rules, how "unfair" BCDs are and "why is the school even tolerating this?!", and, of course, the random clump of hair on the hallway because someone refused to cut their hair short and you know, Ma'am Tuanda strikes again! (uso man gud ang F4 atong panahona, haha). Comparing how the BCD was warranted was as interesting as gossiping about puppy love and it goes without saying that the higher the number of BCDs per offense, the more interesting the story behind is.

But then again, everyone more or less follows the same relationship development with our dear Ma'am Tuanda. As freshmen you get told by your upperclassmen to never EVER cross her at your life's expense, and so you start off your first year by avoiding her at all cost. By the second year you've grown accustomed to the IDS life, your punctuality starts to slack off, and you start receiving your fair share of BCDs. Aside from fearing her, there's also a hint of loathing towards her for giving you more BCDs than you think you deserve. Juniors, and you're well past initiation. You're a full-blown IDS scholar, actively taking more and more responsibilities for all your extra-curricular activities and your voice regarding school issues is more important than ever. You feel like you own the school, but then again, you always get reminded you don't own her. This time, you find another reason to loathe her and her extremely conservative decisions. Organizing events get very difficult, passing new laws becomes hell, all because every paper has to pass through her desk..and if you don't smile enough you'll never get any of those signed. But the senior year, ah, the senior year is another story. She handles your El Filibusterismo class, and while you were all ridiculously quiet and attentive at the start of the school year, you were actively participating and laughing your head off without constraint at the end. You get to know her more personally and you start to understand why she does things. Like how we all had a laugh when she gave Marvin BCDs for being late when she didn't let him carpool because it's not genteel for a woman to be riding with a man alone, nevermind that he's openly gay. All those involvement with university affairs means you have to spend more time with her too. Her office is not so bad anymore, it's even starting to feel homey. You finally greet her in the hallway with a most sincere "good morning, Ma'am!" and thank the heavens Ma'am Tuanda exists just the way she is. By graduation you've forgiven her for all the hard work she made you do during BCDs and thanking her for keeping you on your toes all throughout high school.

Personally, she's been more of a counselor to me than our appointed guidance counselor has ever been. We still see each other during college and see a little less of each other afterwards. But every time I feel like walking walking down memory lane, the path always leads me to the old, familiar student affairs office she shares with another of my favorite teacher. All those years we spent together and she'd still call me "Aleli" and ask how I'm doing and encourage me to do my masters. 

Ma'am Tuanda, I've always looked forward to the day I could go back and finally tell you, I did it! And you'll be happy and proud of me just like you've always been. I guess I'll be saying it now in front of your grave, with flowers instead of chocolates for pasalubong. And you won't be able to tell me things like "oh, you broke up? That's okay, don't let it get you down too much" anymore in your trademark raspy voice, or "Aleli, nanambok man ka!" then serve me suman.

I know the legacy of your BCD will live on, but for the generations who went through IDS under your tutelage, we can definitely say, you have brought an entire era with you to your grave and things will be totally different now.

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photovoltaic energy conversion and sustainable energy

Written Part:
Q1. In Jan 2004 NASA's Mars Exploration Rover landed on the surface of Mars in search of answers about the history of water on the planet
(a) What is the solar irradiance (Wm^-2) entering the mars atmosphere, knowing R_sun=696 Mm, T_sun=5762 K, r_mars=230 Gm, σ=5.67x1^0-8 Wm^-2K^-4?
(b) What is the solar irradiance on the horizontally oriented solar panels (n=0°) of the Mars rover when the sun is in the zenith (z=0°), using the following properties of the Mars atmosphere: optical thickness αd=0.5 and s=0.8?
(c) The rover gets its energy from 1.3m² of solar cells with 27.5% overall conversion efficiency and it needs 100 W electrical power to drive. Calculate the direct, indirect, and total irradiation (Wm^-2) as well as the electrical output power when z=55° and panel is tilted towards the sun with n=10°. Will it be able to drive?

A1. 
(a) Calculate dilution factor, f, then get solar irradiance by Q=fσT⁴
(b) Calculate direct, indirect, and total irradiance.
(c) Calculate direct, indirect, and total irradiance and compare with Q_tot from η=W/Q_totA.

Q2. For the study of solar conversion we know that the spectral distribution n(E) follows from the emissivity ε(E), the number of photon modes h(E)dE, and the occupation probability f(E).
(a) Explain the greybody spectrum. What is emissivity?
(b) Derive h(E).
(c) Show that you can obtain the photon occupation probability from the electron occupation probability.

A2. See long derivation in course notes.

Q3. Forgot. Something about tandem cells and fill factors and output powers.

Q4. All about the window effect for heterojunction solar cells.
(a) Define the general current efficiency including all necessary parameters.
(b) Calculate the current efficiency as a function of u=amt. of light that can be absorbed in layer 2/amt. of light that can be absorbed in layer 1.
(c) Explain how the window effect comes to take place from (b).
(d) Sketch a graph of the current efficiency as a function of u.

A4. See long derivation in course notes.

Oral Part:
Q1. Derive and explain the equation for calculating a planet's temperature from the sun's temperature.
A1. See derivation in course notes.

Q2. Derive the (3) factors that affects the absolute efficiency, η^*, of a solar cell.
A2. See derivation in course notes.

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my brother, the poet

i am extremely amazed and surprised that my brother has come up with this piece.

yup, the same brother who hated doing book reviews he made our bunso read a book and tell him the summary. the same brother who writes things like "happy father's day pa! still have a long way to go!" (hahaha). the same brother who's more reluctant than me to write all the essays papa would demand from us.

i, myself, have not even attempted to write in vernacular and THIS is quite well phrased. so, yes, i am very proud :D

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latex: bibliography error

how to get the ieee bibliography template to work.

context:
ieee latex template for photonics journal using TeXworks editor.

procedure:

1. in file Optogenetics.tex: add "\cite{Deisseroth2006}" to random section.
2. in file Optogenetics.tex: define style and .bib file to the position where the references should be placed.
3. create file Optogenetics.bib with the following content:
4. execute.

error:
when adding references using ieee bibliography template, the following error occurs:

fix:
replaced procedure #2 with:
tried executing and it worked, .bib file loads perfectly. reverted to the code as written in procedure #2 (using IEEEtrans style) and the error no longer appeared, can't figure out why. i think it also helped that i restarted the editor but i'm not really sure.

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photonics in optogenetics

i enjoyed the recent trends in photonics course a lot particularly because it didn't require much effort owing to the fact that you only need to be present during the lectures, give a lecture on one topic of interest, and make a paper about it. on the other hand, you would need to read, read, read some more, study and talk about your chosen topic but you do learn a lot and get stimulated to think of new ideas in the process. taking the course with someone who works at the military defense industry is an added bonus especially when he drops out hints of some highly classified projects by the military every now and again.

our own topic was on optogenetics, i've read at least twenty papers on the photonics part yet i'm not even close to knowing a quarter of what there is to know about this field even though it started barely twenty years ago. however, i had such a great time reading up and i'm happy we've stirred up some discussion after our talk. for instance, following the example on sight restoration using optogenetics technology, pieterjan questioned the possibility of implanting IR-sensitive opsins to the human eye. i never even thought about that possibility as i have already discarded the use of IR light since it would cause a lot of heating in the human tissue. but of course, what are engineers for but to solve such kind of problems, right? :P i can imagine all sorts of applications for such technology already!

i am still in the process of writing the report in journal format but the slides we used for the presentation are as follows:

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faculteit letteren en wijsbegeerte bibliotheek

vanity trip, obviously. nobody reads engineering like this. this photo was taken as a token of the small, quiet, desk-less section of the library at the plateau where i usually stay when i want to rehearse before oral presentations.

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daehan, minguk, manse!

i don't usually fangirl, but when i do..

..hihi. hora, the middle kid looks like kebin.

if anyone would take the time to browse through their videos, they'd be admiring these adorable triplets in no time. however, as soon as i mention "kids", everyone would focus instead on my (nonexistent) love life. if this show aired when i was younger or before my sister got married i'd probably have less heat on my ass right now.

in any case, they're still my go-to entertainment whenever i need to get some neuron de-stressing done. before they mature and start consciously thinking about themselves, children's conversations are one of the most adorable and hilarious things you can hear, especially among siblings. i don't envy the babysitting part (three times the fun, three times the trouble!) but it'd be nice to have these moving little teddy bears over for a weekend.

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#pinoypride

d di pwede patudlo? ahehe or prefer ka sariling sikap? ahehe #pinoypride #labanpinoy

bullseye! samukaaaaaaa! hahahahahahahahahaha.

#sarilingsikap

hahaha.

but, really, i DO ask for help..after a few sleepless nights. haha. it's even on my lessons learned list after evaluating my first semester, ほら.

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